Driving rain, expanding waistline…

Extract from my 2nd memoir

I resumed my audio diary on 4 January 1994: ‘Good morning. It’s extremely late. Twenty-five past seven. Holy fuck! And I’m only coming out of New Hall! I’m fourteen bloody stone. I get married, contentment arrives, I buy a car, ditch me bike. My waist used to be thirty-two, it’s now thirty-six!’

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If you see your feelings as unacceptable, you see yourself as unacceptable

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Coping with a dysfunctional parent

Gerry Kelly, host of Late Lunch on LMFM Radio, chatted to me last Tuesday, about coping with a difficult parent, having spotted my recent article, Difficult Mothers: the last taboo?

You can listen to the interview here:

I loved the phrase ‘kindred spirits’, which a recent reader of In My Gut, I Don’t Believe used about us. He felt a connection with me because he, too, had a difficult relationship with his mother.

‘My relationship with her was the most complex relationship of my life. If anyone listening to this takes away anything that is helpful, I hope it will be that there are no unacceptable feelings or thoughts. If you feel hatred, accept it. Because if you don’t accept it, then you don’t accept yourself and you can’t grow.’

Kids pick up tensions at home

‘I grew up too close to my mother,’ I told Gerry. ‘Probably because she didn’t have a great relationship with my father or with his two sons. She probably put too much emotionally into our relationship.

‘As a kid, I was aware there were all kinds of tensions in the house. You pick it all up like a sponge. Sometimes, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Even up to my early twenties, I dared not mention the names of my two brothers. It would be a huge no-go area with my mother.

Most complex relationship of my life

‘My relationship with her was the most complex relationship of my life. The joy of writing a memoir, or, in my case, being middle way through writing my second one, is it’s a huge opportunity to examine myself.

‘My mother’s mother died when my mother was two. So she never had a mother to model her behaviour. She got married in her late 30s. My father had two sons from his first marriage. It was a huge shock to her system to go from being an independent woman with no responsibilities to suddenly having a husband and two little boys.

‘It didn’t work out. She didn’t’ get on with them. They had a really hard time. Far harder than me. My challenge was trying to grapple with the emotional and intellectual task of trying to disengage from whatever strong mother–child bond I had as a kid.

Exasperation of trying to talk to her

‘I found it exasperating trying to reason with my mother. My father would take me aside and say: “Joe, there is no point talking to her.”

‘Obviously, that was a very sad thing about his own relationship with his wife. I don’t know whether my mother might have had some psychological issue that was undiagnosed.

‘A huge part of my choosing not to proceed with the priesthood was trying to disentangle myself from all the messages and learnings that I picked up from my mother.

Undermining my thoughts and feelings

‘She always seemed to undermine not only my thinking but my feelings. I’d say I feel something and she’d say: “Oh you can’t feel that.” Or I’d say I think something and she’d say: “Oh, you can’t be thinking that.” Or I’d remember something and she’d say: “No, it didn’t happen like that at all.”

‘So she was constantly undermining my confidence. She was doing the opposite of what a good parent is meant to do. A parent is meant to be encouraging the child to think for themselves, to feel their feelings etc.

Admitting feelings of hate

‘I remember in my late teens going to confession and confessing to the priest the negative feelings I had towards my mother. I had this love–hate relationship with her. But it was hard to admit the hate aspect of it – that there were times when I just hated her. And my dad would be going on about the things she did, but he didn’t always tell me what things. But I knew she had done stuff that had made his life pretty miserable.

‘But that priest – and as you know I’m not a believer – he was a man of compassion and he had wisdom and he was human. And he was able to tell me that’s OK. You feel as you feel for a good reason.

If you can’t accept how you feel, you can’t accept yourself

‘And, to fast forward, after nine years in the seminary, when I went to counselling, I remember the counsellor saying: “If you feel that your negative feelings towards your mother are unacceptable, then, you feel you are unacceptable.”

‘And if anyone listening to this take away anything that is helpful, I hope it will be that there are no unacceptable feelings or thoughts. If you feel hatred, accept it. Because if you don’t accept it, then you don’t accept yourself and you can’t grow.

Dawn Chorus Meath Ireland

Dawn Chorus Meath Ireland 28 April 2022
Sounds of Dawn Chorus
Magnificent sounds of birdsong, dawn chorus, Ireland

Dawn Chorus, Meath, Ireland 28 April 2022

I recorded the dawn chorus this morning at 5.15am using an ordinary Android phone. It’s extraordinarily rich in sound, birdsong, an occasional bellow from a cow, and a very distant and barely audible plane, drowned out by the rich variety of birdsong.

How lucky we are if we live in the countryside, surrounded by nature; and how often we take it for granted. What a gift that we can hear! And that we live in a land at peace.

No doubt birds still sing in Ukraine, suffering the invasion of puny Putin’s deluded mind and his uninformed or blinded population.

I wish for the people of Ukraine that they too will sing the song of freedom and that all of their land will be liberated from the invading army of the autocratic dictator, the pariah Putin.

International Dawn Chorus Day is the first Sunday of May each year. Don’t miss it this Sunday 1st May. Derek Mooney on RTE Radio One will be doing his usual great job, celebrating the dawn chorus. For details, click here.

Disaffection with HAI aired in Newstalk interview

IN an interview with Andrea Gilligan on Lunchtime Live on Newstalk, Wednesday 23 March, 2022, I aired my personal disaffection with the Humanist Association of Ireland.

No Church has a monopoly on Christian weddings

I said: ‘Just as, for example, within the Christian community, there are loads of different churches and denominations, and the Catholic Church isn’t going to say no the Lutheran Church can’t do a legal wedding and Baptists can’t do a legal wedding. It would be outrageous.’

No Humanist body should have a monopoly on Humanist weddings

‘And in the same way the Humanists should also welcome other Humanist groups to have the same legal authority to legalize weddings.’

‘They shouldn’t seek to have it as a monopoly for themselves because that would be really against the values of equality and inclusiveness and reason.’

‘It should be an open thing. More groups should be allowed to do it.’

‘It shouldn’t be something that’s a monopoly of the Humanist Association of Ireland. And it would be a shame for Humanism if they were to grasp and hold on to that for themselves.’

The General Register Office should recognize other Humanist bodies, since the rich tradition of Humanism stretches over continents, cultures and millennia and cannot be the exclusive right of just one registered company in Ireland.

If and when the GRO recognizes other Humanist bodies, as I hope they will, it will be good not only for Humanism but also for the Humanist Association of Ireland.

Difficulties with direction of HAI

Interviewer Andrea Gilligan asked: ‘How is business, Joe, for you?’

I said: ‘To be honest, Andrea, I’m kind of on my way out of ceremonies.’

‘I’ve been doing it a long time. I was nine years studying for the priesthood (and as long as a Humanist celebrant) and the longer you’re at it, you see different things.’

‘I feel it’s gone too commercial’

‘So, to be honest with you, I would have difficulties with the direction being taken by the Humanist Association of Ireland. I feel it’s gone too commercial.’

‘For example, if I were do a free ceremony – every so often I would do a free ceremony – and the HAI want their cut. And I just think that’s ridiculous.’

Need for other GRO-approved Humanist bodies

‘So I feel increasingly uncomfortable within the Humanist Association of Ireland, which is why I would like there to be other Humanist bodies which were authorized by the General Register Office to conduct legal marriages.’

Trust your Doubt

Speaking of my indoctrination into religion from childhood, I said that I wished that someone had said to me to ‘Trust your doubt’.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom, not faith in an imaginary god.

Audiobook coming soon of In My Gut I Don’t Believe

I am delighted that the audiobook of my memoir In My Gut I Don’t Believe will be published shortly. I feel it’s an important part of my legacy, showing my life’s lesson. I learned, the hard way, that I needed to make decisions for myself – not accept decisions about my life made by others.

I learned that nobody knows me better than I know myself. I learned to trust myself – my hunches, thoughts, feelings and gut feelings. I learned to make and act on the basis of my honest judgement – not the decisions of others. I learned to stand alone.

I extracted myself from my old pattern of shelving my opinions and judgements because I gave undue respect to the opinions of others. I learned the importance of Aesop’s tale about the father, the son and the donkey: we should not act on the basis of other people’s judgements but only on ours.

Learning that very hard lesson, I made the biggest decision of my life when I was 27. I left my priestly path, even though I was only six months or so away from being ordained a priest. I became free. I learned to cast off the ideas that had influenced my life from childhood and I began to trust my doubt.

Trusting your doubt is the origin of wisdom. Attending to doubt is what brings about discovery – in science and in our personal lives. Doubt is wisdom. Doubt is your inner wisdom, whispering to you that you are bigger and better than the fairytales you were taught to believe were true.

I walked through glass – metaphorically. Leaving behind my self-containment. I learned to accept myself as I am. I grew beyond the myths that I had been taught were true: they were not true. I learned to base my life on what I knew, not on silly beliefs, which remain silly regardless of how many people believe in them.

Where are believers in Odin now? Where are the believers in the Greek and Celtic gods? They are few and far between. Yet their beliefs are as far-fetched and nonsensical as the beliefs of the current fashionable religions of our day. Today’s religions, cults and deities will go the way of the Norse, Greek and Celtic gods.

Don’t spend your life believing in myth. Trust your doubt. Trust yourself. Live your one and only life to the full.

Covid Earth

Covid Earth

by Joe Armstrong

Life, as we know it, has changed.

Humanity is humbled by a microbe.

This morning, I look at the sky, beautiful and blue.

I hear birdsong.

I breathe.

I, for now, am one of the lucky ones.

Inhaling breath, exhaling, inhaling.

Alive, healthy, breathing still.

The earth breathes too,

Much of it relieved by our humbling.

Demand lessened, growth stalled,

The earth made blue again

By our demise.

Joe Armstrong © 2020

Covid Earth: This morning, I look at the sky, beautiful and blue. I hear birdsong.
Picture Source: www.pickpik.com/

I wrote Covid Earth a few weeks ago. Covid-19 has changed all our lives. It has caused us to stop and reflect. It has disrupted our plans and cleared our diaries. It has stopped or slowed the frenzy in many people’s lives.

No wedding is worth the death or serious ill-health of anyone. Covid-19 has tested our values. It invites us to reconsider what is most important about our big day. It is an opportunity for each of us to review our lives.

It gives us, the lucky ones who are still alive, time. It confronts each of us with the inevitable reality our mortality. Each of us will die. Some monks dig clay from their grave every day. It isn’t morbid. It’s truth.

I have finished a book during lockdown – writing one, that is. I’ve read plenty too.

I also downloaded and filled in the Think Ahead template. It will make life easier for people whenever I kick the bucket – which hopefully won’t happen for a long time yet! I suggest you download the editable PDF – it will make it easier for you to update it every year or so. And don’t forget to share it with your loved ones. It’s really for them that you are doing it.

Covid Earth: To learn more about Think Ahead, see here: https://hospicefoundation.ie/programmes/public-awareness/think-ahead/what-is-think-ahead/

There is a lot positive to be gained from lockdown. Who knew that birds sang so loud! Less traffic on our roads. More silence. For the lucky ones, time spent with loved ones.

For me, it has been good to remember what I love to do: write for a living and conduct Humanist ceremonies.

Joe Armstrong on Shannonside Radio

What is Humanism?

What is Humanism?

Shannonside Radio interviews Joe Armstrong

What is Humanism? Joe Finnegan asked Joe Armstrong on Shannonside Northsound Radio yesterday 20 November 2018.

What is Humanism?

Being ethical without God. Not feeling the need to believe in an afterlife. Celebrating the wonder of life. Realizing the shortness of life and the need to live life to the full. Living your life well today rather than hoping for a life after death. Outgrowing religious beliefs and stories. Becoming a responsible, rational, compassionate, inclusive adult.

Humanist ceremonies

In Humanist ceremonies, couples and families choose rituals that are personally meaningful to them. They choose readings about love, marriage, friendship, commitment, fatherhood, motherhood, life and death. They choose music that resonates with them. It is all about them: personal, relaxed, meaningful and inclusive of everyone in the room, regardless of their philosophy, religion or worldview. Whoever you are, wherever you’re from, whatever you believe, whoever you love.

Humanist voices

Humanist celebrants create and conduct Humanist weddings, Humanist funerals, Humanist baby naming ceremonies. We speak at commemoration ceremonies, inauguration ceremonies, small intimate family occasions and grand televised State occasions.

Humanist communities

Humanists gather at local and at national levels, often on a monthly basis. For more details see the website of the Humanist Association of Ireland

The interview followed on from the 25th anniversary of the Humanist Association of Ireland. Leading members of the HAI which were received by the President of Ireland, Michael D Higgins at Aras an Uachtarain to mark the occasion. Also, chairperson of the HAI Steve Rawson spoke at the inauguration of President Higgins on 11 November.

Here is a link to my interview: https://www.shannonside.ie/podcast/the-joe-finnegan-show/listen-humanist-association-ireland-celebrates-25-years/

Feedback from Fiona and James & new video of their Humanist wedding

Dear Joe, We have been enjoying our first Christmas as a married couple! We were both so happy with your officiating at our ceremony and we got so many positive comments from our guests about it afterwards! Even Fiona’s Dad, who freely admitted that he was dreading the ceremony beforehand, was full of praises afterwards! Thanks again for all your help both in the build up to the day and on the day itself! You were a major part in making our day so special!
– James & Fiona, Humanist marriage ceremony conducted by Joe Armstrong at Cliff at Lyons on 8 August 2017. Video credited to limelightweddingfilms.ie

Third time one of my Humanist weddings featured on One Fab Day!

Nice pictures can be found on my Pinterest photos and also by clicking here Peggy and Michael’s Humanist wedding conducted by Joe Armstrong at Mount Druid. It’s the third time one of my Humanist weddings has been featured on One Fab Day. They do a great job!