Author Archives: Joe Armstrong

Surprise wedding at Humanist naming ceremony

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Surprise wedding at Humanist naming ceremony

A surprise wedding at a Humanist naming ceremony was described by a guest as “the best wedding I was ever at”. He said it was “so different from start to finish”. It was “really intimate and emotional” and, he concluded, “It was the first wedding I was at where there was a bouncing castle, a sing song around a campfire and four or five baby monitors on the table while we all had a few drinks”.

Kate and Shane’s newborn daughter Riley, named at the Humanist wedding and naming ceremony

Kate and Shane getting married at their surprise wedding. The Humanist wedding and naming ceremony was conducted by Joe Armstrong

The baby naming and surprise wedding was conducted by Humanist celebrant and legal solemniser Joe Armstrong at The Silver Tankard restaurant near Kells in County Meath, Ireland, on 22 July 2018, when bride Kate married groom Shane, and the couple named and welcomed their daughter Riley into their family and circle of friends.

A very chilled out affair

“One of my favourite photos from the day is our kiss and Jack milling around with balloons,” said bride Kate

Kate said, “We had an absolute ball. The whole day & night that was excellent. A very chilled out affair. The ceremony was excellent and everyone really enjoyed it. One of my favourite photos from the day is our kiss and Jack milling around with balloons.”

Jack is their first born child, who had been named and welcomed into the family at a Humanist naming ceremony at their home previously, also conducted by Joe Armstrong.

“We held a naming ceremony last year in our house for our son Jack and we loved it,” Kate recalled when she approached Joe about the second naming ceremony. Because of the earlier naming ceremony, none of their guests suspected that they would also be getting married when Kate and Shane invited them to Riley’s naming.

Why the surprise wedding?

Kate and Shane, with their marriage Witnesses Fiona and Gearoid and Humanist celebrant Joe Armstrong

“So the surprise wedding,” says Kate. “I never wanted a big day. And Shane doesn’t like attention on him either so we were never going to have a day where we had 150+ guests.”

So Kate and Shane decided upon the surprise wedding and have it part of Rileys naming day. “Who would you have at your child’s naming day that you wouldn’t have at your wedding?'” asked Kate. No one. So it was the perfect opportunity to do it.

“I hate all the politics of a traditional wedding,” she added. “Oh you have to invite this one, if you’re inviting them, and then you have to invite these others. I always said if I ever got married I didn’t want anyone there that I didn’t want there.”

Avoiding the ‘drama’ of a traditional wedding

“Secondly,” mused Kate, “where were we going to have the wedding if it was a traditional one? If it was in Meath, all Shane’s family and friends had to travel and pay for accommodation. If it was in Kerry, all my family and friends would have to pay for accommodation and then if we were to get married in the middle of the country then both sides had the expense. That was a huge part in our decision of the surprise. We didn’t want to put people out or have any extra expense on them. We weren’t fussy about it and really didn’t want other people to get caught up in the ‘drama’ of a wedding.”

Kate and Shane, with son and daughter Jack and Riley after the Humanist wedding and naming ceremony

Engaged

“So we just got ‘engaged’ that morning,” – the morning of the wedding – explains Kate. “I think that’s why it was such a shock too. No one expected it at all because we weren’t even engaged. We told everyone we had gotten engaged and to meet us at the bar at 12.30 for a celebratory drink. So I wore a dress up to the Tankard and then changed into my jumpsuit when everyone went into the function room. The photos are from that morning in the Front Bar just before the ceremony.”

Kate and Shane at the Silver Tankard where they announced their engagement immediately before their wedding and naming ceremony for their baby daughter Riley. Firstborn Jack with back to camera!

Humanist wedding and naming ceremony

“I loved the ceremony from start to finish,” says Kate. “Everyone was so emotional. It was perfect. The whole day everyone was just in shock and awe. People really listened and took heed of what was taking place and going on, not like a traditional wedding where it’s the same thing over and over.”

 

That’s what it’s all about – family and kids

“I loved how the naming aspect was incorporated into the overall ceremony too,” recalls Kate. “The lighting of the candles was just perfect. The way our parents lit our candles and then we lit our unity candle and then just at that moment Jack was up to relight his with us and then we lit Riley’s candle. That’s what it’s all about for us. Family and kids.”

She continued: “I loved how Jack was up and down to us, playing with the balloons and going from us to his grandad. The ceremony was so relaxed with plenty of jokes throughout and we have so many photos of us smiling and joking. I think if it was a big wedding or a church wedding it would have lost that intimate feeling where everyone already knew each other and were comfortable. There wasn’t anyone there that hadn’t already met before. Thanks again!”

To contact Joe about creating and conducting your Humanist ceremony, click here

To read hundreds more excellent reviews from Joe Armstrong’s ceremonies, click here for feedback from weddings and some more here: https://humanistweddings.ie/?s=reviews. For more on naming ceremonies, click here for feedback from other naming ceremonies

 

 

The Gratitude Attitude

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The Gratitude Attitude

The gratitude attitude changes lives. It helps us to live in this present moment. This ‘imperfect’ moment. Imperfect is all we’ll ever have. Perfection is an illusion. It crushes us.

Gratitude attitude changes lives. This present ‘imperfect’ moment is perfect!

Gratitude is the opposite. It helps us ease past our illusions about perfection. We become attuned to here and now. We have, in this moment, more things to be grateful for than we could count or imagine. A day will come when we would love to have all that we have and are now.

Listen.

I listen to birds cooing outside my window. I breathe – now there’s a thing that won’t always be the case. I am aware. That too will pass. I can type and read and listen. There’s the clock ticking. The sound of the keyboard as I type. Pigeons sound again outside. Now I hear my breathing.

Humanist celebrant

Today I marry a couple. What a wonderful way to earn a living. Each couple is different. Each ceremony is different. Each gathering of guests is different.

People enquire about my services and book me. We plan their ceremonies together. Hours are put in. Fifteen to 20 hours per ceremony of planning and action. It’s not a way to get rich financially but I can’t imagine a more personally satisfying profession for me: I love it.

Voice

It uses those nine years I spent in a seminary – though now, happily, without the magical thinking that I could no longer believe in. I tap into the skills I learned as a teacher – handling a crowd, responding to whatever arises, speaking. Someone told me in the last week – a guest – that someone sitting beside them had said they could listen to my voice all day. A voice for radio. And yes, I’m grateful, I do like my voice. Yet another thing that I mightn’t even think about that I’m grateful for.

Sight

Eyes, without which I could not type this nor drive to venues nor to meeting couples. My age: yes, in my mid-50s I love my age. Young enough still, luckily, to be healthy of mind, body and emotion. Mature enough to have seen quite a bit of life and having a certain wisdom mostly learned that hard way – by suffering and mistakes made.

‘Joe the Human’

Humanity. What a gift is that! A friend used to call me ‘Joe the Human’. I was very proud of that nickname. And that many years before I’d even heard of Humanism, let alone joined the Humanist Association of Ireland.

Gratitude. Yes, it is part of our nature and a good thing to strive for things. But it’s also important to pause and rest and be enveloped by the joy and fullness of each moment and for so much that we are and have.

To ask me to conduct your ceremony, click here

For more on the gratitude attitude, click here

 

A new secular take on the Prodigal Son, by Joe Armstrong

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A guy decided it was time to leave the nest. He formed the view that he wouldn’t grow and develop if he just went on working with his Da and bro. Life was out there and life was short and fleeting. He seized the hour, asked his Da if he could have the inheritance that would come his way in later life and, to his delight, his Da supported him in his choice.

His Da was remarkably detached. He trusted his son, didn’t try to manipulate him to stay, gave him a heap of cash and the young man headed off, leaving home, heading off like Dick Whittington for London. He’d seized the hour. He was creating himself anew, decided things for himself, becoming an adult.

He lost his virginity soon enough and had a number of sexual liaisons. He explored his sexuality, mainly with women, and realized he was more straight than gay. He even met the woman he thought he might live with for life but it didn’t work out. He learned much about life, about himself and about growing up.

He got a job which he was good at and he went on learning and feeling more alive than ever before. He was obeying himself, making choices for himself, earning for himself and in search of the love of his life (he wouldn’t meet her for another three years!)

Then the financial crisis hit. He lost his job. He’d taken on more debt than he could manage. He had to hand back the keys of his house. He was skimping just to eat enough and after a few months of that he came to his senses and said, ‘Feck it, I’m going home. I’ll touch base with Da and start again from scratch.’

His Da, ever detached (in a good way), ever supportive, said ‘Sure, son, come on home until you get yourself sorted. You’re always welcome here.’

His Da threw a party for him, celebrating his son’s decision-making, his adventures, and his return home to recalibrate his life.

His brother, who had never made an adult decision in his life, was well-cheesed off by all this. Fooling himself into thinking that his cowardice to live his life, make his own decisions and take his chance in the world was a virtue rather than the vice that it was he said to his Da: ‘Here I am slaving for you on the minimum wage for the past decade and your other son comes home broke from all his galiivanting and you welcome him home and throw him a party.’

His Da said. ‘I love you, son, no more and no less than your brother. You chose to stay. You knew the wages. It was your choice. You knew you could have earned more by taking your chance in the world. You could have trusted yourself and left home and been willing to make some mistakes and learned to live with the consequences of your decisions. I respect your choice, just as I respect your brother’s. But don’t blame me or your brother if you die without ever feeling that you have really lived, without ever having taken some risks, without facing your fear of making mistakes and having to live with the consequences of your choices, which is what adults do. Don’t blame anyone. You alone decide.’

Joe Armstrong © 2018

Yes, Yes, Yes

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Thank you Ireland for voting Yes in the recent referendums. We are now living in a much more compassionate, egalitarian state. It feels much more like a secular Humanist Ireland.

I never would have thought that I would have lived to see the day when the once theocratic state of Ireland freely acknowledged equal marriage and showed such compassion and recognized the equality of women in the latest two-to-one majority referendum, which recognized women’s autonomy over their bodies and their personal right to choose what happens with their own bodies.

Any crisis pregnancy is precisely that: a crisis. Ireland came of age – we became adults! – in finally acknowledging that the decision is not ours but the woman’s. It is not the state’s, but the woman’s decision. It is not the church’s, but the woman’s decision. It is not a doctor’s, but the woman’s.

If men had babies, it would never have been a debate.

How barbaric was the Constitution until the Irish people, finally grown to adulthood,  saw that they had no right to decide for a woman what is only a woman’s choice to make for herself.

When I left my priestly path after nine years in a religious order, I realized that it was my first adult decision. With the two recent referendums in Ireland, we have grown up. We have heard bishops tell us that we should go to confession for voting Yes. It might be a better idea if bishops confessed to woman, wearing sackcloth and ashes as is the biblical garb of contrition, for their oppression of women which continues to this day. A church that declares that it has no authority to ordain woman simply has no authority!

I get annoyed when I hear church folk say to believers that they can’t ‘pick and choose’. In fact, the authorities of the church have for 2,000 years picked and chosen. They adopt positions that are outright contradictions of earlier positions that they held dogmatically. For instance, the church once held that ‘outside the church there is no salvation’ and an American priest got into trouble with his own church for maintaining the church’s original unambiguous stance. To say nothing of their condemnation of Copernicus, the church maintaining its insistence that the universe revolved around the earth! It remains the church which needs a Copernican revolution, and a humble and contrite one at that.

And the church held dogmatically that Anglican orders were ‘absolutely null and utterly void’. The church no longer holds that position either. And the celebrated saint and doctor of the church Thomas Aquinas did not regard a fetus as having a human soul until 40 days after conception for a boy and 80 for a girl. Nope, I don’t think I heard anyone on the No side in the termination of pregnancy referendum mention that one. And when you study the history of the church it is clear that there was not one clear position on the status of the fetus nor on abortion through the ages, even though believers either don’t know this or are economical with the truth.

I recommend the scholarly work ‘Eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven‘ by Uta Ranke-Heinemann for anybody interested in discovering the truth about the Roman Catholic Church and sexuality and especially its two-thousand year oppression of women in its warped thinking and practices.

 

Mothers and their daughters: the referendum on 25th May

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Many women who vote ‘No’ in the forthcoming referendum will not know that their own daughter has had an abortion. They will not know the secret that their daughter has felt that she must keep from her mother. And their mother will never know their daughter’s secret. Their mother will die without ever really knowing her own flesh and blood.

Other mothers will know the agonizing, difficult choice that their daughter faced. Some will have supported their daughter in her choice to travel to Liverpool or Manchester or London. Some of those mothers will be ardent Catholics.

Choosing to terminate a pregnancy is almost always a difficult choice. And rightly so. It is a big decision. But the choice should be the woman’s.

The abortion debate misses the point when it weighs up the experience of one person who chooses to continue with a pregnancy against someone who chooses to terminate the pregnancy. Of course either choice is profound.

But the abortion debate is actually about whether other people have a right to impose their views on the autonomy of the woman.

The real debate is whether it is right for the people of Ireland to control a woman. To control her body. To insist that she continue with a pregnancy.

Regardless of whether or not the woman has been raped or is underage or has had traumatic pregnancies in the past or the health or ill-health of the fetus, it is not for anybody else to claim ownership over a woman’s body and to deprive her of her liberty.

Why do religious people impose their theology on people who do not share their religious faith? Catholics are required to believe that Mary, the mother of Jesus, became pregnant without having had intercourse with Joseph or anyone else. They are required to believe as dogmatic teaching that the ‘Holy Spirit’ fertilized Mary’s ovum. No male member was involved, they are required to believe, in the creation of her babe. And it is that same non-sensical worldview that would require that actual real living Irish women who become pregnant should be forced to continue with their pregnancy and, if they do not choose to do so, that they should be forced to travel to England where their autonomy over their bodies is respected.

To my shame, I voted to bring in the prohibition on abortion in the 1980s. May this belated post be a small step by way of contrition to the thousands of Irishwomen who have been forced into silence and condemned by the ‘moral majority’, smug in self-righteousness; believing that they were doing something precious for their god when all they did was to promote duplicity and misery for women.

Women of Ireland, consider your daughters whom you may not really know: vote Yes for integrity, honesty, compassion, realism and the human rights of all girls and women in Ireland.



 

 

 

Humanist weddings by conviction

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One of the difficulties with the word ‘Humanist’ is that lots of people can claim that they are Humanist. I remember attending a funeral once and the celebrant  was ‘Humanist’ if the bereaved wanted a non-religious ceremony and he was religious if the bereaved wanted a religious ceremony. He was just an actor: all things to all men and women. He was whatever you wanted him to be. You want religion? He gave you religion. You want secular? He gave you secular.

I am Humanist by conviction. It is my philosophical stance. I do not believe in any god or deity or supernatural power.

This is our one and only life. Let us try to live it well. Let us be guided by reason and compassion. Let us be inclusive. And let us be true to ourselves.

 

 

 

Wedding celebrant / Humanist celebrant

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There is some confusion as to what is a Humanist celebrant. Recently a bride asked me if I was available to conduct her Humanist ceremony. Luckily, I was. They had booked someone else whom they thought was a Humanist celebrant but when they went to the HSE to give their three-month notification of their intention to marry (which everyone has to do) they discovered that their celebrant actually conducted religious ceremonies.

Humanist celebrants offer non-religious ceremonies. If they are accredited by the Humanist Association of Ireland (HAI) and the General Register Office (GRO) they can conduct legal non-religious weddings.

If you want a legally binding and legally recognized Humanist wedding ceremony be sure that your celebrant is accredited by both the Humanist Association of Ireland and the General Register Office (GRO).

Still loving conducting Humanist ceremonies

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I’m still loving conducting Humanist ceremonies. I love it to my core. Every couple at every Humanist wedding is different. Every family at each naming ceremony or civil confirmation ceremony or Humanist funeral is different. Being with people at such significant times in life is a privilege and honour. It’s wonderful when a ceremony touches the emotions, when there’s laughter and tears.

I do believe the only meaning in life is love. And so when a couple find love it’s appropriate for them to make their vows to one another in a personal ceremony which focuses on the human significance of this moment in the life of this couple. No two couples are alike. No two gatherings of guests are the same. Each ceremony is itself a singular moment.

Ritual is important in human life. Ceremonies mark rites of passage; turning points in people’s lives. They are never only about the people directly involved. In a naming ceremony, it takes a village to raise a child; so it’s good to recognize that reality by relatives and friends gathering together to celebrate the wonder of a new human life; and to name that new personality; to celebrate and pause and reflect and be thankful and to share meaning together.

When it comes to weddings, remember that two people are getting married and they alone should decide for themselves the type of ceremony they want. Choosing to do that can be a moment of maturity for the couple: they alone choose. It can sometimes be hard for the parents of a couple to let go. To trust their children. To respect their choice.